Every person has a pattern of toxic behaviour that can significantly damage the important and intimate relationships in his or her life.

Anger is one of our ten basic God-given emotions.  This emotion can be CONSTRUCTIVE or DESTRUCTIVE depending  upon our response.  The focus is giving Jesus a “NANOSECOND” (just one billionth of a second) to help us use all of our emotions according to God’s design for our lives, and to appropriately change our pattern of relating to others and our responsibility. When most of us think of an “angry” person we think of someone who destroys themselves and their relationships through uncontrollable outbursts of rage.  We usually picture someone who goes around slamming doors, yelling loudly, and making life miserable for everyone, including themselves.  Yet this is only one part of anger, as anger has many faces.  Equally as damaging and destructive is anger that is suppressed, or “stuffed”, as it will only continue to destructively influence our behaviour and attitudes.  Ultimately, even suppressed anger erupts from deep within the heart.  Recognising and accepting responsibility for toxic patterns of behaviour is the first hurdle to overcome as one runs the race toward true freedom from anger.  Walking through the recovery process with Jesus Christ as our Higher Power allows us to admit our powerlessness to control our anger, as well as trust that He will help us to overcome our destructive habits.

Breaking the old patterns that have kept us locked into destructive behaviour takes time.  What took years to bring about will take some time to change.  But with Jesus Christ as our Higher Power, and the willingness to allow Him to change our life, real freedom from anger is possible!

Take a few minutes and complete this questionnaire. The inventory can help you in the recognition process as you seek to determine whether your anger is reaching a destructive level in your life.

Count the statements that apply to you:

• I become impatient when things do not go according to my plans.
• I tend to have critical thoughts toward others who don’t agree with my opinions.
• When I am displeased with someone I may shut down any communication with them or withdraw entirely.
• I get annoyed easily when friends and family do not appear sensitive to my  needs.
• I feel frustrated when I see someone else having an “easier” time than me.
• Whenever I am responsible for planning an important event, I am preoccupied with how I must manage it.
• When talking about a controversial topic, the tone of my voice is likely to become louder and more assertive.
• I can accept a person who admits his or her mistakes, but I get irritated easily at those who refuse to admit their weaknesses.
• I do not easily forget when someone “does me wrong”.
• When someone confronts me with a misinformed opinion, I am thinking of my comeback even while they’re speaking.
• I find myself becoming aggressive even while playing a game for fun.
• I struggle emotionally with the things in life that “aren’t fair”.
• Although I realise that it may not be right, I sometimes blame others for my problems.
• More often than not I use sarcasm as a way of expressing humour.
• I may act kindly toward others on the outside, yet feel bitter and frustrated on the inside.

If you checked 4-8 boxes, your anger is probably more constant than you would like. 

If you checked 9 or more boxes, there is a strong possibility that you have struggled with periods of anger or rage, whether you are aware of it or not. 

Do you need:

1. Need a drink to get over a hangover?

2. Like to drink alone?

3. Lose time from work due to drinking?

4. Need a drink at a defined time of day?

5. Lie about, cover up or make excuses about drinking?

6. Suffer loss of memory while or after drinking?

7. Find efficiency or drive decreasing?

8. Drink to relieve stress, fear, shyness, insecurity?

9. Find that drinking is harming or worrying the whole family?

10. Become more moody, jealous or irritable after drinking?

If you answer YES, you may be on the road to alcoholism. Recognising the problem is the first step to stopping it

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking and/or using for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking and/or using – stop telling you what to do?

3. Have you ever switched from one kind of drink or drug to another in the hope that this would keep you from losing control?

4. Have you had to have an “eye-opener” upon awakening during the past year?  Do you need a drink or drug to get started, or stop shaking?

5. Do you envy people who can drink or use drugs without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had problems connected with drinking or using during the past year?

7. Has your drinking or using caused trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get “extra” drinks or drugs at a party because you did not get enough?

9. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking or using any time you want to, even though you keep getting inebriated when you don’t mean to?

10. Have you missed days off work or school because of drinking or using ?

11. Do you have “blackouts”?

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink or use?

What is your score?

Did you answer YES two or more times?  If so, you are probably in trouble with alcohol or drugs.  But again, only you can decide whether you think Celebrate Recovery is for you.  Try to keep an open mind on the subject.  If the answer is YES, we will be glad to show you how we stopped drinking and using drugs ourselves.

Celebrate Recovery does not promise to solve your life’s problems. 

But we can show you how we are learning to live without drinking or using one day at a time with the help of our Higher Power, Jesus Christ.  We stay away from that first drink.  If there is no first one, there cannot be a tenth one.  And when we were free of alcohol, we found that life became much more manageable, with Christ’s power.

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit drinking or using entirely, or if you have little control over the amount you consume, you are probably an alcoholic and/or an addict.  If that is the case, you may be suffering from a problem which only a spiritual solution will conquer.

If you are as seriously alcoholic or addicted as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution.  We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human resources.  We had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end,

blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best as we could; and the other was to accept Jesus Christ as our Higher Power.

There is a Solution

By working through the Eight Recovery Principles found in the Beatitudes with Jesus Christ as your Higher Power, you can and will change!  You will begin to experience the true peace and serenity you have been seeking, and you will no longer have to rely on your dysfunctional, compulsive and addictive behaviours as a temporary “fix” for your pain.

By applying the biblical principles of conviction, conversion, surrender, confession, restitution, prayer, quiet time, witnessing and helping one another, which are found within the Eight Principles and the Christ-centered 12 Steps, you will restore and develop stronger relationships with others and with God.

• My good feelings about who I am stem from being loved by you.
• My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
• Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
• My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.
• My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
• My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
• My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
• Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• Your behaviour is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.
• I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
• I am not aware of what I want, I ask what you want. I am not aware, I assume.
• The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
• My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
• My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
• I use ‘giving’ as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
• My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
• I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
• I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
• The quality of my life is in direct relation to the quality of yours.

Excert from the book, “Love is a choice” by Dr Robert Hemfelt.

“In its broadest sense, co-dependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviours or things.  Co-dependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things and events on the outside.  To the co-dependent, control or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

The co-dependent may be addicted to another person.  In this interpersonal co-dependency, the co-dependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self – personal identity – is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems.

Additionally, co-dependents can be like vacuum cleaners gone wild, drawing to themselves not just another person, but also chemicals (alcohol or drugs, primarily) or things – money, food, sexuality, work.  They struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves.”

Referred to on Pages 11 and 12. 

THE TEN TRAITS OF A CODEPENDENT

1. The co-dependent is driven by one or more compulsions.

2. The co-dependent is bound and often tormented by the way things were in the dysfunctional family of origin.

3. The co-dependent’s self-esteem (and, frequently, maturity) is very low.

4. A co-dependent is certain his or her happiness hinges on others.

5. Conversely, a co-dependent feels inordinately responsible for others.

6. The co-dependent’s relationship with a spouse or Significant Other Person (SOP) is marred by a damaging, unstable lack of balance between dependence and independence.

7. The co-dependent is a master of denial and repression.

8. The co-dependent worries about things he or she can’t change and may well try to change them.

9. A co-dependent’s life is punctuated by extremes.

10. A co-dependent is constantly looking for ‘the’ something that is missing or lacking in life.

1. Do thoughts about food occupy much of your time?

2. Are you preoccupied with a desire to be thinner?

3. Do you starve to make up for eating binges?

4. Are you overweight despite concern by others for you to lose weight?

5. Do you binge and then vomit afterwards?

6. Do you exercise excessively to burn off calories?

7. Do you overeat by bingeing or by grazing continuously?

8. Do you eat the same thing every day and feel annoyed when you eat something else?

9. Do you binge and then take enemas or laxatives to get rid of the food you have eaten?

10. Do you hide stashes of food for future eating or bingeing?

11. Do you avoid foods with sugar in them and feel uncomfortable after eating sweets?

12. Is food your friend?

13. Would you rather eat alone?  Do you feel uncomfortable when you must eat with others?

14. Do you have specific ways you eat when you are emotionally upset, sad, angry, afraid, anxious or ashamed?

15. Do you become depressed or feel guilty after an eating binge?

16. Do you feel fat even when people tell you otherwise?

17. Are you ever afraid that you won’t be able to stop eating when you are on a binge?

18. Have you tried to diet repeatedly only to sabotage your weight loss?

19. Do you binge on high-calorie, sugary, forbidden foods?

20. Are you proud of your ability to control the food you eat and your weight?

21. Do you have weight changes of more than 10 pounds after binges and fasts?

22. Do you feel your eating behaviour is abnormal?  Do you try to hide it from others?

23. Does feeling ashamed of your body weight result in more bingeing?

24. Do you make a lot of insulting jokes about your body weight or your eating?

25. Do you feel guilty after eating anything not allowed on your diet?

26. Do you follow unusual eating rituals while eating, such as counting bites or not allowing the fork or food to touch your lips?

If you checked five or more of the questions numbered 1,4,7,12,13,14, 15,17,18,19,22,23,24, you may be dealing with compulsive overeating.

If you checked five or more of the questions numbered 1,2,6,8,11,13,14, 16,17,20,22,25,26, you may be dealing with anorexia nervosa.

If you checked five or more of the questions numbered 1,3,5,6,9,10,13, 14,15,17,19,21,22,26, you may be dealing with bulimia nervosa.

The 12 Steps to Recovery

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviours, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.

8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

• Throughout our lives many of us have turned to food to ease our pain or fear.
• We felt comfort in eating and found ourselves turning to food whenever we were hurt, angry or frustrated.
• Food became our comforter, our friend.
• Some of us may have one specific food that we have trouble eating in healthy amounts, and that once we start eating it, we cannot stop.
• Some of us may have been emotionally, physically or sexually abused and use food to cope with the emotions of those events.
• Some of us may have had healthy eating habits as children or young adults, but at some point in our lives  we chose to overeat and lost the ability to discern when we were physically hungry or when we were physically full.
• Some of us may have turned to food after obtaining sobriety in other areas.
• We thought food was “safe,” not realizing it could become our “drug of choice.”
• We have focused on our body image instead of our health.
• Many of us have tried various diet programs, exercising, medications or many other ways of trying to control our eating habits.
• We have failed over and over and are left feeling guilty, incapable and unlovable.
• We have given in to the idea that there is one perfect diet or pill out there that can save us if only we could find it.
• Some of us believe that thin people do not struggle with food addiction. We have also failed to recognize food as our “drug of choice.”
• As a result of our food addiction, we feel out of control and may struggle with many other areas of our lives.
• Some of us have low self-esteem which may affect our motivation and our relationship with God and others.

The Solution

• We came to realize that we are powerless and could not control our addiction to food.
• We understand that our problems are emotional and spiritual.
• We are ready to face our denial and accept the truth about our lives and our food addiction.
• We are ready to accept responsibility for our actions and make Jesus The Lord of our lives.
• We are dedicated to learning about healthy eating.
• We are committed to learning the difference between physical and emotional hunger.
• We are willing to turn to God when we are not physically hungry.
• We will begin to view food as fuel for our body so that we will not eat unless we are physically hungry and stop when we are physically full.
• We are willing to begin the process of recovery and working through the 12 steps to heal ourselves, and start living the life God has planned for us.
• We are willing to find a Sponsor and Accountability Partners.
• We realize our group provides a safe place to share our fears, hurt or anger and is also a place to rejoice in victories.
• We are willing to face our character defects and work through these feelings in our group.
• We are willing to take the focus off of food and focus on God.
• We recognize that recovery from food addiction is not about our body image or what foods we eat, but it is about trusting God and having an intimate relationship with Him.
• We are willing to believe and trust in God’s love for us, and to see ourselves as He sees us.
• We are willing to seek a closer relationship with God.
• By facing our fears, we have realized that we need Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit in our life to overcome those fears.
• As we surrender our food addiction to God, we will come to know that He is all we need.
• We will continue to seek a daily quiet time with God and will rely on the Holy Spirit as our source of comfort. We will be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit gambling entirely, or if you have little control over the amount you bet, you are probably a compulsive gambler. A compulsive gambler is described as a person whose gambling has caused growing and continuing problems in any department of his or her life. If that is the case, you may be suffering from a problem which only a spiritual solution will conquer.

Most of us have been unwilling to admit that we were compulsive gamblers. I cannot go on believing that I am not in that class.

1. Have you ever decided to stop gambling for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?

2. Do you wish people would mind their own business about your gambling — stop telling you what to do?

3. Has gambling made you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?

4. Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?

5. Do you envy people who can gamble without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had problems connected with gambling during the past year?

7. Have you ever borrowed to finance your gambling?

8. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?

9. Have you missed days of work or school because of gambling?

10. Have you ever lost track of time gambling

11. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not gam-ble?

Did you answer YES two or more times? If so, you are probably in trouble with gambling.

Only you can decide whether you think Celebrate Recovery is for you. Try to keep an open mind on the subject. If the answer is yes, we will be glad to show you how we stopped gambling ourselves.

The Solution

Celebrate Recovery does not promise to solve your life’s problems, but we can show you how we are learning to live without gambling one day at a time with the help of our Higher Power, Jesus Christ. We stay away from that bet. If there is no first one, there cannot be a tenth one. And when we are free of compulsive gambling, we found that life became much more manageable, with Christ’s power.

By working through the eight Recovery Principles found in the Beatitudes and the 12 Steps with Jesus Christ as my Higher Power, I can and will change! I will begin to experience the true peace and serenity I have been seeking, and I will no longer have to rely on my dysfunctional, com-pulsive, and addictive behaviours as a temporary fix for life.

I will also be willing to:

• Form an Accountability TEAM: Sponsor, Accountability Partners.
• Weekly attend Open Share Group
• Commit to a daily quiet time in the Bible. (Some people find The Life Recovery Bible helpful)
• Read about this area of recovery
• Understand the root of each core issue you identify with and become willing to experience grief, forgiveness, and acceptance

Definition of Sobriety

Sobriety for the compulsive gambler is defined as follows:

Complete abstinence of any betting or wagering, for self or others, whether for money or not, no matter how slight or insignificant, where the outcome is uncertain or depends upon chance, or ‘skill’ constitutes gambling.

Love addiction consists of three components: Romance, Relationship and Sexual Addiction.  We acknowledge all three as valid addictions.  This group will be dealing with Romance and Relationship Addiction only.  Sex can, and usually does, play a significant role in both of these other addictions.  However, incorporating Sexual Addiction into this group would make it too broad and unfocused for us at this time.

Addicted to “Love”: Characteristics (page 187)

• Lack of nurturing and attention when young
• Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
• Outer façade of “having it all together” to hide internal disintegration
• Mistake intensity for intimacy
• Hidden pain
• Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at all cost
• Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
• Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
• Depressed
• Highly manipulative and controlling of others
• Perceive attraction, attachment and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water
• Sense of worthlessness
• Escalating tolerance for high-risk behaviour
• Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
• Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
• Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty
• Using others alter mood or relieve pain
• Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
• Driven, desperate, frantic personality
• Existence of secret “double life”
• Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
• Defining out-of-control behaviour as normal
• Defining “wants” as “needs”

As a group we will be working out of the Celebrate Recovery Workbooks and the book, Addicted to “Love” by Stephen Arterburn.  We strongly suggest each woman obtain a Life Recovery Bible and the Workbooks, which are the tools we use here at Celebrate Recovery.

The 12 Steps to Recovery

1   We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviours, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2   We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3   We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

4   We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5   We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6   We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7   We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.

8   We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9   We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11 We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out.

12 Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Our common background is a history of abuse and our goal is to enter into or maintain recovery.  Recovery for us is a two-fold issue.  We need healing from the traumas done to us at some time in our past; and we need healing from the influence these past experiences continue to have in our present lives.

THE PROBLEM

(Most) Survivors of Physical/Sexual/Emotional Abuse…

• Are hesitant to identify themselves as victims of abuse.
• Feel isolated, depressed, worthless and helpless to change.
• Are struggling with feelings about God in relation to their life experiences of being abused.
• Condemn themselves, trying to deny that being abused in the past somehow affects present circumstances.
• Feel out of control; defeated in areas of compulsive behaviour.
• Feel angry, bitter, rebellious, having trouble with authority figures.
• Feel a lack of self-worth.
• Are preoccupied with thoughts of what it means to have a “normal” relationship with others; men, friends, family.
• Question their own sexual identity and may experience confusion regarding their own sexuality.
• Desire to regain their sexuality and feel safe intimately.
• Question self-reality; “Who am I?”
• Question whether life has a purpose for living.
• Feel “at home” in crisis situations.
• Struggle with perfectionism or “all or none” thinking.
• Desire to have victory through Christ over the life experience of abuse.

Survivors of Physical/Sexual/Emotional Abuse

Can experience recovery when…

• We recognise that we are powerless to heal the damaged emotions resulting from our abuse, and we look to God for the power to make us whole.
• We acknowledge that God’s plan for our lives includes victory over the experience of abuse.
• We understand that the persons who abused us are responsible for the abusive acts committed against us. We will not accept the guilt and shame resulting from those abusive acts.
• We look to God and His Word to find our identity as worthwhile and loved human beings.
• We are honestly sharing our feelings with God and at least one other person to help us identify those areas needing cleansing and healing.
• We accept the responsibility for our responses to being abused.
• We are willing to accept God’s help in the decision and the process of forgiving ourselves and those who have perpetrated against us.
• We are willing to mature in our relationships with God and others.
• We are willing to be used by God as an instrument of healing and restoration in the lives of others.

“The Solution” is partially based upon the book “Helping the Victims of Sexual Abuse” by L. Heitritter & J. Vought.

Sexual Addiction – breaking it down…

Addictive behaviour of Sexual Addiction

Multiple adultery – Illicit relationships – Sex with self (masturbation) Sexual fantasy – Pornography – Internet chat rooms – Internet cybersex – Phone sex – Exhibitionist – Exotic dancing – Serve as an escort/prostitution – Swapping (couples) – Intentional provocative dress Sexual encounters/sexual relationships w/ women – Secret double life High-risk situations – Predator

Characteristics that fuel Sexual Addiction

Lust – Being lusted after – Control, power over others – Rebellious Selfishness – Extreme justification – Blame game – Resentful Revengeful – Self-centered – Self-destructive – Prideful – Jealousy Female competition – Non-committal in relationships – Isolation

Core issues of Sexual Addiction

The need to be nurtured – Fear of intimacy – False intimacy

Lack of self-worth – The need to be in control – Rage – Self hate Escape – Loneliness – Shame – Fear of commitment – Spiritual bankruptcy

Core

Sexual abuse

Emotional abuse

Verbal abuse

Physical abuse

Physical/emotional abandonment

The 12 Steps to Recovery

1    We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviours, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2    We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3    We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

4    We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5    We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6    We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7    We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.

8    We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9    We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10   We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11   We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and power to carry that out.

12 Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

What happens at a Celebrate Recovery meeting?

The first thirty minutes of the meeting takes place in a large group setting. We begin by reading through the 12 steps and singing worship songs together.  The particular lesson being dealt with is then taught.  This part of the meeting usually ends by saying the serenity prayer together.

The rest of the meeting is spent in small groups, which are gender-specific and provide a safe place to share experiences, strength and hopes with others.  These are led by an understanding leader and opportunity is provided for working with a sponsor.  No attempt is made to offer any professional clinical advice.

Following the small group meetings, people are welcome to stay for tea/coffee etc.